Vicarious Tourism: The United States of America

Have you seen this place? Like really seen it? It’s unreal.

Everything’s so clean! There are no burning trash piles on the side of the road or random chickens or goats walking around, like you’d normally expect. The streets are so wide and so smooth, with lane lines and informative road signs and lights that actually work! There’s so much light everywhere, and it hasn’t cut out or even wavered in and out since I arrived. There are elevators and escalators and moving walkways and automatic doors and big tall glass-and-steel buildings to put them all in. No tin-and-cardboard-and-plastic-sheeting shacks anywhere.

There are so many restaurants where you can get delicious food and be pretty sure you won’t get food poisoning. There’s fajitas and kolaches and bagels and sushi and steak! Coffee shops! And when the check comes you can pay it with a credit card instead of a giant stack of odorous nearly-worthless bills. There are stores everywhere, that contain things you might actually want to buy, and they all take credit cards too! The grocery store has everything, everything! There are fresh raspberries, even though they aren’t in season! YOU CAN DRINK THE TAP WATER.

The internet is so fast you just click on a link and the page is right there, without having to play a game of solitaire waiting for the page to load. I can watch video without it buffering at all! It’s SO AMAZING! I can download music and update all my software! Google Maps can actually find things and give me accurate directions, no complicated landmark-based directions or hand-drawn maps required! I can watch Netflix and Hulu! There are so many TV channels! With commercials!

In case you can’t tell, I’m pretty excited to be home.